The Jacksonville Kid

Well, it finally happened. That's right, I'm in Jacksonville. Some of you didn't believe I'd ever actually do it, but here I am. With a little perseverance and a lot of help from God I have made the final hop in order to claim my spot in this coastal, Florida town. "What's next?", you might ask, considering I've accomplished so much. Well I'll tell you, my friends. It's time that I start a real, genuine, serious band. A band capable of playing real, actual shows in front of real, actual people willing to pay real, actual money. Eventually, we will be good enough to open up for semi-successful bands and later maybe even successful bands. If I really play my cards right I might even get J to use his astonishing connections to hook me up with Hanson! Then, and only then, will I have truly made it as a musician. UMMM.........bop.

Bikini Christmas

So, life has me here in Florida and already a lot has been changing. It hasn't just been the scenery, but also myself. It is going to take a little getting used to, but there's just one thing that I can't get passed. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer warm weather over cold. Usually when winter comes I look around to find that it's gray, gloomy, all the trees are naked and my body hurts. So, naturally, I lock myself in my room holding tightly to my boogie board and volleyball and peak out the window with one eye until I feel warmth coming through the glass or see happy people prancing about their yards singing show tunes. This year, though, is completely different. I'm commonly still in my, very familiar, board shorts and t-shirt. The trees are mostly still green and lively. People are out and about jogging and such. The skies are blue. The sun is shining. Everything is perfect and I'm not pleased! Believe me I love it to be just like it is now....only in march! I wanna wear my sweaters, dang it! I've got coats, hats, shoes and all kinds of clothes that I never do anything with except for a short period in the year and I feel that's being robbed from me. Just recently I attended a Christmas parade. A normal parade, aside from half of it consisting of tractors and guys in camou on 4 wheelers. What threw me off was that it was, like, 82 degrees outside. I'm sweating and I can't see half the floats from the blinding hot sun! The ginger bread men were being mauled by hunting dogs and the candy was turned into hot fudge and peppermint sauce. I thought maybe, at least, I get to hear some good Christmas music, but then here comes Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine on the Santa Claus float ( Mikes5lives must state that most of this is false and complete dramatazation) with Jimmy Buffet as Santa singing Margaritaville! Look I love warm weather, I love Florida, but I also love Christmas. So, please, let me wear my beanie and a sweater for a week before I get ready to go to a swim park for new years. Oh, and if you're looking for a Christmas present idea for me, how 'bout a bikini.

Back in Style

Hey everyone, Ed Itor here, just wanted to announce that Mikes5lives is back on the press! I know you must be super exciting, but just try and contain yourself. We went through a strike, bankruptcies, lawsuits and forgot that we did this, but it's all good now. Our staff is as happy as ever ( we give them lunch breaks now), so the writing will be fresh, funny, informing and disturbing as usual. Mikes5lives went through a company headquarters move and is now located in Florida, so our text might appear a little more tan. Anyway, you folks buckle up and start subscribing again. We won't disappoint. Sincerely, Ed Itor

Tooth Talk

So I was sitting at a restaurant last week waiting for my food to arrive. I couldn't help but notice a glare coming at me from the corner of my eye. I looked to see what it was and what I saw struck a question so deep within me that I'm still trying to find the answer. It was a guy, about my age, who all in all looked pretty normal. There's was one thing about him, though, that stuck out quite significantly. You see, apparantly, he had been using one of those teeth whitening things and his teeth were very, very bright. Now, I have no problem with people trying to improve the look of their teeth, in fact, I encourage it. Even if it does make the person's teeth freakishly white, it's okay, because it's still better than two rows of corn cubes wedged in someone's mouth. In the case of this guy I was left a little bewildered, though. There was one ingredient that seemed to be missing from the teeth improvement formula. You see his teeth were very white, but the whiteness beamed off of a very crooked, protruding set of teeth. Now, in my book if you have a defect try to cover it up not show it off. Because of his decision I had to stare at bright, glistening, crooked buck-teeth throughout my whole dinner which, by the way, took a notch or two off the overall dining experience. The concept of whitening and brightening crooked teeth is like putting glitter on a pimple; I felt like he was overlooking the real problem ( kinda missing the point). I was ( and still) so confused. So I ask you this complex and riddelled question: Is it better to have normal ( yellowish) crooked teeth or bright white and shiny crooked ones. Here at Mikes5lives You Decide.

Editor's Update

It's me again, Ed Itor. I'm writing this to tell you that if your worried that Mikes5lives is no more, have no fear. We've been experiencing some technical difficulties such as: not having access to a computer, being very busy, and not having much inspiration lately. It's okay, though, because it won't be long before we get a laptop again and then the site will be up and running efficiently. Since we're having trouble we thought it would be a good idea to just let everyone at Mikes5lives take a vacation. I mean they earned it, don't you think? Please don't do anything rash like cancel your subscription. Yours truly, Ed Itor.

Storytime with friends

Rachel had been waiting for her big break for years. Now she finally had the chance to show off her skills at Walker Arena during the halftime show of the Cleveland Magic. " This will be my shining moment." she thought." Finally, I'll be recognized as one of the world's greatest left-handed banjo players". She woke up from her thoughts and realized the time. " 7:41! Halftime's at 8:00, I'm gonna be late!". She waited a moment to soak in the amusement that her last sentenced rhymed then she headed out the door. On her way out she ran into her roomates, the simeese twins Becca and Kelly, who were just getting back from volleyball practice. Becca was conversing with Kelly," Don't you hate it when they put us on separate teams?". " Ya, it's always a stretch for me to be apart from you." Kelly replied. " Oh my, where are you going in such a hurry, Rachel?" " To the game, I'm late!" she screamed. Her car was broke down again, so she had to walk. As she was walking a white cadillac slowly approached her and the driver rolled down the window and said, " You look like your in a hurry. Need a ride?". Rachel usually would never ride with a stranger unless it was a hot guy, but she was in a hurry, so she hopped in. She dressed like Tom Petty and smoked a big cigar while listening to the Spice Girls. " My name's Jess, what's yours?" the driver asked. " Rachel. It's nice to meet you, Jess." Rachel replied, halfway coughing from the cigar smoke and bad music. " I'm really in a hurry. I'm playing tonight at Walker Arena; it's my big chance to be a star." " Oh, I wanted to be a star once" replied Jess. " I decided that it wasn't for me. Too much traveling, too many people lookin at ya all the time. It's all just a bunch of hot air, besides who wants to be out in space all alone anyway?" " What? Uh, ya sure. " Rachel said in a bewildered tone. Finally they arrived and Rachel gladly got out of the car. After a quick thankyou she was on her way. " Hey kid." Jess yelled out her window. " Whenever I get nervous I drink a can of Pepsi flavored Slim-Fast. Here's a can and good luck." Rachel made the catch," Gee, thanks.". She hurried inside, but was halted at the entrance by a lady mounted on a Japanese woman. " Hold it right there missy.", barked the strange lady, " Just where do you think you're going?". Confused as ever, Rachel answered," Well, I'm performing tonight at the halftime show." " Oh, well let me see your pass." asked the strange lady. " Uh, I don't have one." Rachel replied. The guard looked peircingly at her and said," Everyone knows that no one gets into a Cleveland Magic game without a Lynard skynard tattoo, which is the pass." Suddenly Rachel eyes lit up. " That's the pass? A Lynard Skynard tattoo? What luck, I just got one on my left ear lobe yesterday!". " Well, I guess that will do." Said the strange guard lady. Rachel started to walk past, but stopped to ask a quick question. " So what's with the Japanese woman?" " Uh, she's my horse, duh. They couldn't call me, Ciera the mounted guard, if I didn't have a horse." Replied the guard lady. " okay then, goodbye Ciera". As Rachel turned the corner she heard the buzzer. " Oh boy, I'm just in time". She went into the back room to find her banjo, but instead found a very strange sight. There standing next to her banjo was a topless belly dancer who seemed to be doing some sort of strange warm-ups. " Who the heck are you?" Rachel inquired. The dancer looked up and said," Hi, my name's J.. I'm just preparing for my act. You see I'm the opening act for some wierd banjo player girl". " Hey, that wierd banjo player is me thankyou very much." Rachel replied in a huff. " Oh, sorry." J. said, his face slightly blushing. " So what exactly do you do?" asked Rachel curiously. J., still doing strange warm-ups now with his head on his right foot, answered," I'm a belly dancer; I do it to get me through college. Some people say that it's not a respectful occupation, but a guy's got to make it somehow. It's a sad world where a Jew has got to show skin in order to make it up the ladder of success, but until that changes I've got to shake my moneymaker." " that's really...disturbing" replied Rachel," well, your on". J went out and performed his dances to some of his favorite duet songs, like the one by the Bee Gees and Beethoven. It was wonderfully exotic. He was done now and it was time for Rachel to go out. She was nervous, but there ws no turning back now. After her last sip of Pepsi flavored Slim-Fast she was on her way to the floor. With her banjo in hand, she began to play and oh did she play. She played like no left-handed banjo player had ever played before. The crowd went wild and surrounded her. It was a dream come true for little Rachel. Then from out of the crowd appeared a tall man in a nice suit. He approached Rachel and said," By George Bush, your the best left-handed banjo player that I've ever seen east of Chattanooga and west of North Carolina." Rachel was filled with excitement," Wow, do you really mean that?" " Hey, does a frog wear pants?" he said. " Well, I don't kn..." Rachel staggered. " Look kid, your great and you've definetly earned what I'm about to give you." said the tall man. Rachel chimed with eagerness. Then he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and said ," Here it is. A gift certificate for half off your next purchase of a soy baby, even including the new ethnic soy baby. I tell you what, you are one lucky, lucky girl". Immediately Rachel went home, broke her banjo and locked herself in her closet. Then she picked up her phone and made the most important phone call of her life. She dialed................ 1-800-SOY-BABIES-RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HaHA! HEHAHA!! OH ,THERE JUST SOOO WONDERFUL!!

Adventures in Mall Sitting

It seems that everytime that I'm working at the great North Gate mall I'm inspired by some new event to write a brilliant article. Today is no exception, in fact, the adventure began before I even clocked in. Upon my arrival I was greeted by the presence of a herd of old people performing morning mall excersices. It's bad enough that they were doing this stuff here in the mall, but the activities took place right next to me. I was forced to watch the geritol ( don't know the correct spelling,hush) gang attempt to do windmills and yoga while I desperately tried to focus on my work. If I was an old fart I would be embarrassed enough to be doing that stuff, but to actually excersise in the middle of the mall is ridiculous. I think I learned a very important lesson today, though. The mall is the great cirle of life. You see, when you're young you like to hang out at the mall 'cause that's your life, when you're middle aged you go to the mall 'cause it's part of life (the kids), and when you're old you stay at the mall to sustain life.