Storytime with friends

Rachel had been waiting for her big break for years. Now she finally had the chance to show off her skills at Walker Arena during the halftime show of the Cleveland Magic. " This will be my shining moment." she thought." Finally, I'll be recognized as one of the world's greatest left-handed banjo players". She woke up from her thoughts and realized the time. " 7:41! Halftime's at 8:00, I'm gonna be late!". She waited a moment to soak in the amusement that her last sentenced rhymed then she headed out the door. On her way out she ran into her roomates, the simeese twins Becca and Kelly, who were just getting back from volleyball practice. Becca was conversing with Kelly," Don't you hate it when they put us on separate teams?". " Ya, it's always a stretch for me to be apart from you." Kelly replied. " Oh my, where are you going in such a hurry, Rachel?" " To the game, I'm late!" she screamed. Her car was broke down again, so she had to walk. As she was walking a white cadillac slowly approached her and the driver rolled down the window and said, " You look like your in a hurry. Need a ride?". Rachel usually would never ride with a stranger unless it was a hot guy, but she was in a hurry, so she hopped in. She dressed like Tom Petty and smoked a big cigar while listening to the Spice Girls. " My name's Jess, what's yours?" the driver asked. " Rachel. It's nice to meet you, Jess." Rachel replied, halfway coughing from the cigar smoke and bad music. " I'm really in a hurry. I'm playing tonight at Walker Arena; it's my big chance to be a star." " Oh, I wanted to be a star once" replied Jess. " I decided that it wasn't for me. Too much traveling, too many people lookin at ya all the time. It's all just a bunch of hot air, besides who wants to be out in space all alone anyway?" " What? Uh, ya sure. " Rachel said in a bewildered tone. Finally they arrived and Rachel gladly got out of the car. After a quick thankyou she was on her way. " Hey kid." Jess yelled out her window. " Whenever I get nervous I drink a can of Pepsi flavored Slim-Fast. Here's a can and good luck." Rachel made the catch," Gee, thanks.". She hurried inside, but was halted at the entrance by a lady mounted on a Japanese woman. " Hold it right there missy.", barked the strange lady, " Just where do you think you're going?". Confused as ever, Rachel answered," Well, I'm performing tonight at the halftime show." " Oh, well let me see your pass." asked the strange lady. " Uh, I don't have one." Rachel replied. The guard looked peircingly at her and said," Everyone knows that no one gets into a Cleveland Magic game without a Lynard skynard tattoo, which is the pass." Suddenly Rachel eyes lit up. " That's the pass? A Lynard Skynard tattoo? What luck, I just got one on my left ear lobe yesterday!". " Well, I guess that will do." Said the strange guard lady. Rachel started to walk past, but stopped to ask a quick question. " So what's with the Japanese woman?" " Uh, she's my horse, duh. They couldn't call me, Ciera the mounted guard, if I didn't have a horse." Replied the guard lady. " okay then, goodbye Ciera". As Rachel turned the corner she heard the buzzer. " Oh boy, I'm just in time". She went into the back room to find her banjo, but instead found a very strange sight. There standing next to her banjo was a topless belly dancer who seemed to be doing some sort of strange warm-ups. " Who the heck are you?" Rachel inquired. The dancer looked up and said," Hi, my name's J.. I'm just preparing for my act. You see I'm the opening act for some wierd banjo player girl". " Hey, that wierd banjo player is me thankyou very much." Rachel replied in a huff. " Oh, sorry." J. said, his face slightly blushing. " So what exactly do you do?" asked Rachel curiously. J., still doing strange warm-ups now with his head on his right foot, answered," I'm a belly dancer; I do it to get me through college. Some people say that it's not a respectful occupation, but a guy's got to make it somehow. It's a sad world where a Jew has got to show skin in order to make it up the ladder of success, but until that changes I've got to shake my moneymaker." " that's really...disturbing" replied Rachel," well, your on". J went out and performed his dances to some of his favorite duet songs, like the one by the Bee Gees and Beethoven. It was wonderfully exotic. He was done now and it was time for Rachel to go out. She was nervous, but there ws no turning back now. After her last sip of Pepsi flavored Slim-Fast she was on her way to the floor. With her banjo in hand, she began to play and oh did she play. She played like no left-handed banjo player had ever played before. The crowd went wild and surrounded her. It was a dream come true for little Rachel. Then from out of the crowd appeared a tall man in a nice suit. He approached Rachel and said," By George Bush, your the best left-handed banjo player that I've ever seen east of Chattanooga and west of North Carolina." Rachel was filled with excitement," Wow, do you really mean that?" " Hey, does a frog wear pants?" he said. " Well, I don't kn..." Rachel staggered. " Look kid, your great and you've definetly earned what I'm about to give you." said the tall man. Rachel chimed with eagerness. Then he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and said ," Here it is. A gift certificate for half off your next purchase of a soy baby, even including the new ethnic soy baby. I tell you what, you are one lucky, lucky girl". Immediately Rachel went home, broke her banjo and locked herself in her closet. Then she picked up her phone and made the most important phone call of her life. She dialed................ 1-800-SOY-BABIES-RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HaHA! HEHAHA!! OH ,THERE JUST SOOO WONDERFUL!!

Adventures in Mall Sitting

It seems that everytime that I'm working at the great North Gate mall I'm inspired by some new event to write a brilliant article. Today is no exception, in fact, the adventure began before I even clocked in. Upon my arrival I was greeted by the presence of a herd of old people performing morning mall excersices. It's bad enough that they were doing this stuff here in the mall, but the activities took place right next to me. I was forced to watch the geritol ( don't know the correct spelling,hush) gang attempt to do windmills and yoga while I desperately tried to focus on my work. If I was an old fart I would be embarrassed enough to be doing that stuff, but to actually excersise in the middle of the mall is ridiculous. I think I learned a very important lesson today, though. The mall is the great cirle of life. You see, when you're young you like to hang out at the mall 'cause that's your life, when you're middle aged you go to the mall 'cause it's part of life (the kids), and when you're old you stay at the mall to sustain life.

No Title Necessary

I wouldn't mind having someone to do stuff with. You know, like a group of people who are motivated enough to go live life and have fun. I would like to see new places and an adventure or two with some people who would have fun and enjoy it. It would be nice to know someone who I could make plans with and they would stay true to those plans. Someone who considered friendship a priority and loyality a given. Until then I look ahead to a summer which will probably be filled with what ifs and if onlys, because the search for someone who fits these characteristics can seem impossible. It can really wear you thin when you try to make plans for things, but no one even considers taking the time to care. For just once, just once, I want to be higher up on someone's list of people they care about rather than drowning at the bottom of the pool gasping for any attention I can cling onto. Oh, well.

The Editorial

Hello, you loyal readers, you. I'm glad to inform you that Mikes5lives is running smoothly. After the inferiority complex that our writers suffered I was afraid that it would be the end and I would be out of a job. With your help, though, the site pulled through and we learned to work as a team. On the contrary, I've heard that recently there's been a little feud between one of our writers and parenthesis guy. Well, don't you worry, 'cause I'm on it. Frankly, I like the little parenth guy and I will do everything in my power to get this team working together, thoroughly. As for some of the recent jokes that might have offended anyone, I humbly apologize. Sometimes our writers just get excited and it's not always a good thing. I've been working my tail off, recently, trying to send out thousands of apolgy letters to everyone who's been offended these last few weeks. That list would include: Santa, bunnies, geeks, fat people, skinny people, security guards, old people, circus employees, short people, the North Gate mall, The city of Chattanooga, the inventor of parenthesis. Now I know what your thinking. I'm the editor, so why am I not doing my job proofreading and editing my writers work. Well, the answer is simple. I'm lazy and I'm not a real editor! So, anyways, as always we here at Mikes5lives look forward to hearing your thoughts and suggestions. If there's anything that we can do to more properly satisfy your reading experience, just call us @ 1-800-NOT-A-REAL-SITE or drop us an e-mail @ I'MGULLIBLE@LEASTONCEADAY.com. Sincerely, Ed Itor

Security Geeks

( So I'm at the exciting North Gate mall of Chattanooga and a question comes to mind," Why is it that security guards are always the most incapable people of providing security?"). ( It seems that the qualifications for the position are: really fat or really scrawny, old, dorky, geeky, a ridiculous looking human being; it's just plain ridiculous). ( I'm tired of watching a circus side show stroll by my desk every 15 minutes with a chip on its shoulder). ( You know I just feel so secure knowing that an ugly fat lady, a dying old man and a geeky kid,who' still bitter about high school and tries to release his revenge on the cool kids in the mall by blinding them with his flashlight and threatening to cut them with his pokemon cards for loitering, are bee-boppin around me to protect me in case of any danger). ( If I was ever robbed I believe that I would have to chase the crook down myself and then bring the fat, old lady "security guard" back to life by cpr, not to mention the therapy sessions I'd have to give her for all the trauma). Whoa, whoa, whoa! What a minute here. What's this, parenthesis guy? You can't write on your own, that's my job. ( Look the people needed me. What can I say, I got skills). Well...fine! In that case I'll just make shrewd, demeanering comments all through your stupid inadequate article. ( Uh.. Sorry, but that's already been taken. I don't think you've met my cousin, inside out parenthesis guy). ) 'sup, dog(. Aww!! I can't take this madness anymore! ( Sorry about that, readers. My little friend has got serious issues). ( I hope my article brought you joy today and maybe even a little tickle that felt disturbing or inappropiate). You need me! You know it! Don't walk away reader; don't you dare....

No More Bunny Business

So I'm at my job on this Saturday morning and, as usual, I'm carefully observing my surroundings. Well, today I'm accompanied by something other than the typical mall stores and crowds. Today sitting right next to me is a Easter bunny photo stand. I look to my left to see giant colored eggs and some short woman in a bunny outfit enticing little children to rub up against her white, furry self for some pictures. Oh, now what's this? Some old lady is talking to the bunny while it's on break. Okay, why is it that when someone's in a suit everyone seems to forget that there's a person inside and it's not real. Look, that person is dressed like an idiot for a reason; to entertain kids, not middle aged goofs who lack a touch with reality. Anyway, I have a problem with all this holiday mall picture crap. I don't see a good reason to keep putting pedifiles ( have never written this word before, suprisingly, so I don't know how to spell it)( leave me alone) in old, unwashed wool and forcing little children to take unwanted pictures with them. Most kids don't want to take those pictures, they're scared of the characters. Parents always have to coax them on like a police officer talking to a suicide attempter. I'm just asking for a little sanity in this world. Instead of wasting time teaching kids lies about the Easter bunny and santa claus; we could be teaching them about drug awareness or compare and contrast between JC Penny's and Gap. The future of America could be thrifty shoppers rather than psyco perverts who like to play dress up and hang around little kids in the mall. I just think it's wrong to raise children to be psycos and teach them to play with old men ( santa) and giant bunnys. Oh ya, that's real cool, teach a kid that if they ever see a giant bunny go and play with it. Well, I don't think so! That doesn't sound safe at all. So, please, help fight for this cause. It's time that we stop the madness. Please help another great cause called let elves be theirselves. Just because someone is short doesn't give us the right to force them into slave labor and, worst of all, make them wear those horrible fashions. Please bring justice to these people because elves are like everyone else. Put yourself in their shoes.