A little Irony

Ever notice how everything is made in China. From the ornaments in our living room, to the cars that we drive, to the kitchen sink. It seems the only thing that's safe is an American flag and I'm not even sure about that anymore. Why does China control the production industry of America. I just want to find one thing that isn't made in stinkin China these days........ So me and a friend ( I know, I know, I should have wrote a friend and I, but I said ," screw proper english." a long time ago.) were sitting in the house wasting a perfectly, pleasant day when I suggested taking a walk downtown to grab a bite to eat. We live right next to downtown, so it wasn't a big deal to walk. Besides, it was beautiful outside, how could we not enjoy it. So we arrive at our destination to find that it's closed on Saturday. It was one of those hometowny restaurants, so it was strange, but not too out of the ordinary. We talked and walked until we came upon 'plan b', which was a shady burger joint next to a used car lot. As we walked inside frantic little people scurried towards us saying that it wouldn't even be open for business for a week. It seemed that we were having a case of bad luck, but we didn't let that discourage us. Me and my friend ventured onward toward the next option ( by this time we had walked about a mile) just laughing at the situation. The closest place to us was a really nice, semi-expensive bistro, but at this point we weren't concerned. Upon our arrival and to our suprise (not) it didn't open until 5:00...p.m! Now it was getting serious. Since we had already walked half of Cleveland we actually considered just calling it a city-wide prayer walk and fasting the rest of the day. Still there was the undeniable fact that we were hungry and growing annoyed ( whom am I kidding we were fully annoyed) ( hey, I'm serious. Your laughing, I'm not laughing.). Finally we came to the chinese restaurant (no specified name needed). There we saw the most beautiful sight ever beheld by hungry, cranky eyes...... open. We crashed through the door and into the arms of an elderly, Chinese lady. After a hello kiss and a spank on the bottom we were promptly seated. The meal was excellent and was topped off by the-ever-so-famous fortune cookie. Two crappy fortunes and a bad taste in our mouths' later we were kicked back reading the cookie wrappers. This was about the time that my observant friend noticed that these Chinese fortune cookies were made, not in Peking or Hong Kong, but Stone Mountain, Georgia. That's like less than 3 freakin hours away. I felt so cheated. How could my exotic, cross-cultural experience be destroyed by some hicks in Georgia. It was somewhere between there and the two and a half miles to our house that it came to me. We ( that's us my fellow Americans) are the proud producers of fortune cookies and it brings me great enjoyment to know that somewhere on the other side of the world there's a little oriental man who's very annoyed by the idea that the fortune cookies he's eating are made in Stone Mountain, Georgia right alongside banjos and car parts. Aww, Payback is sweet!!

The Little Band That Could

So my band, DTS, played our show last night and guess what? It wasn't too bad. I'm very proud of our performance, actually. Even with practically no practice, plus flipping back and forth on whether one of our band members would be able to come or not, we pulled it off. There was a good sized crowd and I really think that they liked it. We definitely need to work on the whole " what song our we playing next? ", " Uh, the one that goes like this ' LA de da da' " ( ya that's gotta end). I guess that's what you practice for, but seriously, who practices I mean really. Sometimes we can be a little disorganized, like how all of us play multiple instruments so every time we change songs we try to switch instruments ( it's kind of crazy). Besides all that jazz, we did pretty good and I'm excited about our future tour and record deal ( Oh, c'mon, you know me). The opening act, which was actually the halftime show, did great also. They were our friends Lauren and Jessie ( AKA: Jessie and the Ripper). Lauren sang beautifully and Jessie played beautiful tunes, as always, on the piano. Oh, it was a great show. I'm still so excited. Ok, it was a little disorganized and can definitely get so much better, but that's what makes me so excited is that it can get so much better when we're not half bad now. This message has been brought to you by Michael's pat himself , and others closely connected to him, on the back service.

The Critical Explanation

Hello, this is a letter from the editor intended to clear up an issue that has occurred in one of the previous articles. It seems that one of our writers did an article titled, " The FABrication" in which he made reference to a product called Soy Baby ( all rights reserved). I understand that many of our loyal readers were left a little confused, so I'm writing this to clear everything up. You see Michael and his friend/roomy were having a conversation about J's ( the roomy) soy milk. The conversation escalated to pointing out that many various products are made from soy beans including: plastics,plastic windows, hundreds of food products, and many other materials. They began to wonder how they felt about eating something made of something that is used to make windows and who knows what else. One of the jolly friends said," I guess everything is made of soy." and the other, full of witt and creativity plus some childhood issues, replied," What's next, soy babies?". After that comment the other returned," ya, just add water". They had a chuckle or two, then hugged and went on their marry way. Thus, you have the indecent, ridiculous joke, the Soy Baby ( all rights reserved). I'm sorry for any misunderstandings or trauma caused by the article. We here at mikes5lives are very interested in keeping, YOU, the reader satisfied. I hope that this mishap will not cause us to lose your business. For any questions, comments, or complaints call 1-800-I-LIE-FREQUENTLY ( It's a Canadian number) or e-mail us at gatorfan500@aol.com ( that's sincere,yo). thankyou. Sincerely, Ed Itor P.S. I, Personally love my Soy Baby ( all rights reserved) and you should get one too. Plus for a limited time only you'll recieve a free pair of Soy Jeans with every purchase of a 10 pound Soy Baby. Wait, there's more!!! If you order now you'll also recieve this Tickle Me Barry Manilow doll, Absolutely Free!!! So, why wait order today ( lots of fast uncomprehendable talking).

ADRIFT-ER

From the bank of a river I watch. I watch the currents taking the water away to that place that I long to be, anywhere but here. I close my eyes and picture myself adrift on the water floating to some unchartered, far away destination. No attachments, no schedules, just adventure and freedom. I stare at the mountain range behind the open plains from the window of my car and wish to be a cowboy. Why can't I have a horse and just travel across the open country. I just want simple. To slow down and see what the world is too busy to notice. Let me soak in what's here, what God already gave us, instead of trying to get the next new creation of man. Sitting on my front porch I get a clear view of a train passing along on the tracks. I don't know where it's going and I want to find out. I daydream of being a hobo, with all my belongings in a sack, jumping on and going to the next site of interest that lay along the way. I don't want ordinary, I want release from the grasp that modern day society has on me. My life should be a blank book with exciting pages being written every day. Why do I long so much to be so far away. As much as I desire these things I sometimes realize that once I have managed to get far away it would become here and here would become far away. Still, though, to break the chains of everyday, to break the mold of average, to be different. I want to live life on the edge. I must have more than what the average person accepts as life. I must have freedom. "Oh, to be a drifter", I ponder the thought while perched on an old dock by the river... and slip back into a dream.

The FABrication

So I was leaving my work yesterday when I got this sudden craving for chocolate, hot and spicy, caramel, honey BBQ, boneless wings from KFC with no chocolate, hot and spicy, and caramel. So I jumped in my blue lamborghini and began to race down the Really Old Asphalt which is Damaged (R.O.A.D.). Everything was going fine until I was distracted by Dick Cheney selling his body on the corner which kept me from seeing the massive pelican army ( with a vengence). I did my "Boy scouts' honor" best to avoid the massive pelican army (with a vengence), but it was to no avail. " Splat!"... my car was crushed by their powerful vengeful beaks, it was horrible, I was trapped in my own car, " What could I do?". Then I remebered," Hey, I've got a spare Jaws of Life in my backseat " Thankgoodness I kept my old road safety kit after all. After removing myself from the car I came to the conclusion that I was stranded. My Indian instincts told me that I was somewhere between Raleigh, NC and Laramie, Wyoming, so at least I wasn't lost. I heard a russel in the bushes, but I told him to keep it down. Then I heard a rustle in the bushes and turned around; two men caught me by suprise, my heart was beating with panic. Luckily it was only a couple of hillbillies with homosexual tendencies. They offered me to follow them to their home and I gladly accepted. When I arrived I was shocked to see the most pimped out crib I'd ever seen ( complete with waterslide, lawn chairs, and a noam holding a rifle). I went inside and sat down; they served me a oppossum and a cob of corn with spaghetti ( Must be from Ohio). As I dined I looked around the huge house, there were ten bedrooms, three livingrooms, five guest rooms, and those see-through showers like on the Real World. They said they didn't have a clean room for me and didn't want to be rude, so they said I could sleep in the barn ( the pigs and chickens were very nice, but I think one of the horses had a crush on me). The next morning I awoke to see the MTV News crew who were doing a show on strange couples adopting babies. Apparently the hillbillies had just went to Wal-Mart and bought a Soy Baby( all rights reserved). I ran into the kitchen " Just in time", I said in a questionable tone, you see they were just about to open up the box. I ripped the box from their hands and ran out of the house. About a mile down the road I realized that I wasn't dressed, but luckily you get a free pair of Soy Jeans( all rights reserved) with every purchase of a 10 pound Soy Baby. So I threw on the jeans and found a small polluted creek near a chemical plant, " you know the one right next to the town water tank and m&m factory.". Once there I opened the box and added water according to the directions" don't worry, I stirred" and soon I had my very own Soy Baby(all rights reserved). Unfortunately it was a 'history edition' one so it strongly resembled a blend of Hitler and Buhdda complete with mustache and pot belly. I shrugged and thought, " I still love the little guy". Right then the baby, his name is Butler, began to cry and informed me through mysterious burping code that he had a craving for chocolate, hot and spicy, caramel, honeyBBQ, boneless wings from KFC with no chocolate, hot and spicy, or caramel.

The Show Must Go On

So my band, Downtown symphony (DTS), will be performing friday night at Cafe Mi'Aroma in Cleveland, TN. I should be pumped, but I'm a little ( scratch that a lot) nervous. Between my work, the other guys' school, one guy's choir, and church we haven't had much time for practice, so I'm feeling that we just might a tad underprepared. All in all I think we'll do good and have fun I just wish that we could be more ready to play since it's our first show in our base city of Cleveland. So these are the things that clog my brain throughout the day. I sit and countdown the days 'till the show. It's really not that bad I'm just stressed out.

What a BUMmer

So I was walking through downtown Chattannooga last night trying to find some decent coffee shops who would be willing to let my band play there. I got a phone call from my friends who informed me that they had arrived, so I went over to meet them. As we were preparing our cds for presentation and plotting are " let us play" strategy a woman came up to us and began to talk. She told us how she had been sleeping on the streets for three nights and was really tired and would like to stay at the salvation army. She said that she needed $10 to stay there and she was dead broke. I turned to look to my friends and see what they thought, but they had already constructed a fortress near my car complete with moat and mad alligator. By the look in their eyes through their periscope I could tell that they weren't interested in taking part, so I was on my own. I knew that I had about $5 in my wallet, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it away. I thought to myself," this lady is a total crackhead"," it doesn't cost $10 to sleep at the salvation army", "I was saving this money for a bite to eat later". My conscience got the best of me and I reached in my wallet for the five bucks, but realized that it was a ten dollar bill. I halfway, reluctantly handed it to her and, with a thankyou, she was on her way. As she walked away I thought, " Why didn't I pray for her?!". The thought had crossed my mind as I handed her the money, but a wave a cowardice seemed to have caused me to hunker down inside myself and let the opportunity pass by. You see that meeting wasn't an accident; it wasn't some random chance. God had set those events into motion before that lady even saw us. Earlier that day as I was driving around town trying to find the locations of some coffee shops, I had to stop and get gas for my car. I didn't have a ton of cash on me, so instead of getting the usual $20 I got $15 with the thought that I might want to grab some food or an ice cream later. By making that decision I had exactly $10 on me when the lady asked me for it. Everything worked out perfectly except for one missing ingredient, I didn't obey when God told me to pray for her. Now, granted, I don't think all was lost. A seed was still planted soley by the God-given grace that she recieved, but it's just the fact that an opportunity to speak God's word into her will have to wait for another time. So what I'm saying is, when the Spirit nudges you follow it's signals, obey! Not one day is in vain to God, so don't shake off encouters as mere coincidences, take them all to heart.

Don't Be Ugly

So I'm sitting in the mall at my job. Nothing is happening so to keep myself from insanity I begin observing the people that pass me by. After about two or three herds go by I start to come to the realization that people are pathetically ugly. I mean it's such the case that I begin to slip into a state of depression. Life starts to seem hopeless, will I ever see another decent looking human being again? Then I slowly, but surely start to feel better and better about myself. Wow, I'm so outerly blessed; I mean if money was earned for good looks I'd be a millionaire. Suddenly I turn myself into Brad Pitt as I'm surrounded by the freaks of the human race. I even begin to apply for modeling tryouts for calvin klein and baby Gap, but that's when a cold gust a reality taps me on the shoulder. If all these people are this indescribably unattractive then I must be as ugly as them. I think to myself, "Be realistic, the odds are clear there's no way that I could be attractive if all these people aren't, I look just like them". That's when I start to panic, " What can I do to solve this problem?". Naturally, I run to order a cheesburger and fries complete with soda and extra bacon, " Ya, make that supersize.". I feel better immediately. I take my burger and return to my workplace,in the middle of the mall, with a new look on life, " Maybe there's more to people than their looks, maybe we're all alike.". I feel surrounded by my brethren, " I love you brother turnip waist." Aww, a smile stretches my face. As I turn back to my computer I happen to catch a glimpse of my own reflection." Wait a minute, what am I talking about I'm beautiful. Just because everyone else is missing the good looking gene doesn't mean I'm not a uniquely pretty individual. I learned a valuable lesson today.

My Formal Introduction

Hello, I would like to introduce myself, I am Michael Petrillo and I will be slowly introducing you to my 5 personalities. I hope that in the future this site will be entertaining, emotional, sincere, and mysteriously exotic in ways your not comfortable with. So hang on tight and take a barf bag, 'cause it's gonna be a crazy ride.